Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
