1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
