And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
