So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
