I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
