"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I smell like Dick and happiness
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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