"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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