some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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