I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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