I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
