Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
