i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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