I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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