I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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