I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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