i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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