I think I won the penis lottery.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
