Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
