omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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