I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I understand Curling. That high.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
