someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
