I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
