Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I CAN MOONWALK!
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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