I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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