Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I made him laugh his dick is mine
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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