No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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