I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize