I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
