I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
