the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
