Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
