Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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