went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize