i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Drunk is not a location!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
