Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
