Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
