Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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