I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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