Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
