I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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