Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Randomize
