I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize