dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize