I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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