New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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