Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
