Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
