I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
