I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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