I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
