Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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