please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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