I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
