You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
