by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
