I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
