My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize