The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
