I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
