we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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