You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
