Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
