I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
