I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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