just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
