I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
