any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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