I hate your face
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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