i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
