Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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